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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24101122">ransom</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/wintercelestial/pseuds/wintercelestial'>wintercelestial</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shall We Date?: Obey Me!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:54:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,211</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24101122</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/wintercelestial/pseuds/wintercelestial</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>ficlet based off this tumblr post:</p><p>kidnapper: we have lucifer. Give us 10 million grimm and we’ll let him go.<br/>diavolo: I cannot believe that you actually think lucifer is worth 10 million grimm.<br/>diavolo: ask me for 100 million.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Diavolo/Lucifer (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>240</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this was originally posted on my tumblr for canonlucidia@tumblr but i'm adding it here bcos trying to find anything on that website at any given time is a nightmare and a half</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Candles burning low in the wall sconce, Diavolo whips through the last stack of paperwork on his desk, scrawling his signature at the bottom in the kind of fashion that Barbatos would surely disapprove of. He’d be done in less than an hour. Amazing.</p><p>Somewhere underneath the paraphernalia on his desk comes a faint buzzing noise, followed by a ringtone that only sounds when Lucifer calls.</p><p>Diavolo scrabbles through the papers and letters and pens like the cats that scramble to the kitchen when Satan fills up their food bowls. A midnight date? A night time walk? Can this paperwork be passed off onto Barbatos?</p><p>Finally locating it under a missive from the kitchens about breakfast preferences, he snatches up his DDD and swipes a finger across the lock screen photo of Lucifer in the nude. It’s just a terrible coincidence that the part he has to run his digit over is where Lucifer’s genitals are. </p><p>“Yes?” he answers, extremely enthusiastically for somebody picking up the phone in the middle of the night.</p><p>There is a momentary silence, and then a slight crackle and buzz. “Are you Diavolo?”</p><p>Diavolo pauses at the unfamiliar voice, blinking twice in slight surprise. “Where’s Lucifer?” he asks.</p><p>Very quietly, so faintly that he would have missed it if he weren’t now sitting on the edge of his seat and all ears, Diavolo thinks he just heard someone say ‘that’s <em>Lord </em>Diavolo to you’.</p><p>Oh. He’s fine, then.</p><p>“We have him here,” the voice on the other end says, “but we’d be willing to trade him back to you for a price.”</p><p>Diavolo twirls a pen between his fingers, imagining all the possible ways they might have Lucifer tied to a chair in the corner of some dark dungeon in the Devildom. Is he naked?</p><p>“This is an awful amount of trouble you’ve gone to, my not-friend,” he says, shaking his head. Curiosity piqued, however, he urges forward. “But do tell me, what would you possibly want in exchange for Lucifer?”</p><p>A vague yell resounds in the distance. There is another silence, as if they hadn’t thought that they would make it this far. “Give us ten million grimm, and we’ll let him go.”</p><p>The pen hits the desk with a clatter as Diavolo’s hand shoots up to cover his mouth, gold eyes wide. He pulls the DDD away from his ear and squints at the caller ID. Who the–</p><p>“Ten million grimm?” Diavolo shouts at the screen, face screwing up, horrified.</p><p>“You heard me,” the kidnapper replies loftily. “Listen. You’re the prince of hell. There is no way you’re going to tell me you don’t have that kind of money because–”</p><p>“No, <em>you </em>listen to me,” Diavolo interrupts him, standing up from his chair so fast that a paper or two go flying over the edge of the desk, “I cannot <em>believe </em>you actually think Lucifer is worth ten million grimm.”</p><p>He slaps the DDD back to his ear. “I demand that you ask me for one hundred million.”</p><p>“Don’t just – you <em>what</em>?”</p><p>“One hundred million grimm. In fact, one hundred thousand million grimm. Or if you think you know his true worth–” Diavolo yanks a calculator out of the top drawer, punches some numbers into it and the screen comes up with ERROR. “There you are. Priceless.”</p><p>Confused whispers come from the other end of the line.</p><p>“Boss, I think he’s lost it,” someone says.</p><p>“Lucifer’s escaping,” somebody else unhelpfully points out. “This was a shit idea and I want to go home.”</p><p>“Worth more than the entire royal treasury,” Diavolo’s loud voice overrides whatever had been feeding down the lines next. “Worth my kingdom, my life–”</p><p>There is a sudden myriad of screaming noises at the other end, punctuated by bludgeoning and fearful cries for help, none of which Diavolo hears as he continues yelling into his DDD with the fervour of Levi watching TSL.</p><p>“More than all the mirage flowers in the gardens, worth even my title as crown prince, <em>thank</em> you very much–”</p><p>The roar of hellfire echoes far into the night, only dying off when Lucifer eventually retrieves his DDD from the rubble. Seeing a call still running, he presses his ear to the speaker.</p><p>“Worth more than all the pictures of him sleeping that I have stored–”</p><p>“Stored where?” Lucifer asks coolly, frowning so hard that he gives himself a monobrow.  </p><p>Back in his castle, Diavolo chokes on his spit and nearly drops his DDD in his embarrassed fumble to hang up.</p><p>He hurriedly throws it back on his desk, takes off his pants and goes to lie down on his bed.</p><p>Oh. Oh no. Lucifer will be home soon.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>this part is kibu-me@tumblr's fault for pointing out the fact that lucifer would never get kidnapped... and u right my friend... so off on an undercover mission he goes...</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Lucifer, have you ever wanted to be a double agent?”</p><p>Lucifer hadn’t asked for an instant migraine, but he’s got one now.</p><p>“I need you to go on an undercover mission.” Diavolo rambles on like the answer’s <em>yes, please, my lord, I love all the tasks you give me.</em> “Barbatos has a lead on the group of demons who tried the assassination attempt last night. I want you to find out who’s behind it and deal with them.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>There are honestly a thousand ways this could have been dealt with that <em>didn’t</em> involve Lucifer pretending to be a traitor, surrounded by low-level demons in some rank dungeon in the Ninth Circle of Hell. Being disgracefully tied to a chair and interrogated on top of that is just icing on the chaotic cake.</p><p>At least he’s still got clothes on. Every other time he’s been tied up Diavolo usually insists on him being naked.</p><p>Lucifer considers himself quite the convincing liar for undercover missions like this, but to voluntarily deface Diavolo’s reputation? Near impossible.</p><p>So he settles for declaring, well, the next best thing.</p><p>“I told you. I said I am here,” Lucifer enunciates each word slowly as he repeats himself, scowling at them, “because Diavolo <em>sucks</em>.”</p><p>He internally convulses at his own words<em>. </em></p><p>The crowd of demons surrounding him hoot and laugh raucously, flapping leathery wings and pointing at him with their stubby little claws. Spittle goes flying and the putrid smell of it has Lucifer seriously questioning their dental hygiene.</p><p>They jeer at him condescendingly. He may be bound to a chair, but the Avatar of Pride owns a toothbrush, at least.</p><p>“Do you hear?” a demon screeches, clicking and chittering excitedly, hopping from foot to foot.</p><p>It takes Lucifer every single fibre of his being to not smite the blasted creature where it stands.</p><p>“<em>Sucks</em>! Can it be that even Lucifer does not favour the prince for the throne? Oh, the irony, the irony!”</p><p>Lucifer glares at them all again, but not too hard, in case his expression alone sets one of them on fire.</p><p>“You may interpret it however you like, but I have said it. Now take me to the leader of your operations,” he adds calmly, “and then we can talk about how useful I might be to your cause.”</p><p>He nearly gives himself a stroke when he thinks about the amount of pride he’s had to swallow for this, the shameful things he’s forced himself to say to get where he is now.</p><p>To his surprise, one of the demons actually skitter off to fetch their leader for him. Is the Ninth Circle so far away from Devildom politics that they truly do not know who they are dealing with? Are they so stupid that they would fall for this even stupider ruse?</p><p>Slaughter the imbeciles, go home, bang Diavolo. Today’s work just might be easier than Lucifer had thought.</p><p>Their superior takes on a more humanoid appearance than his underlings, but Lucifer still doesn’t recognize him. He supposes it doesn’t matter if they’re all perishing here anyway.</p><p>The demon looks him up and down, even bending over to peer at him suspiciously. “<em>You’re</em> Lucifer?” he asks, still scrutinizing him like he’s an item for sale, “really?”</p><p>Lucifer’s eyebrow twitches minutely. “I didn’t come here so we could debate my identity,” he says icily. The muscles in his shoulders are starting to ache from the unnatural position of his wrists being tied behind his back. “I came to see if you would perhaps be interested in a possible alliance.”</p><p>“Hm. No. I don’t believe even for one second you’re who you say you are.” The demon’s fetid breath comes out in a disappointed snort. “The real Lucifer? He would <em>never</em> let himself be captured like this.”</p><p>It seems there’s at least one brain cell then, in this circus of clowns.</p><p>Of course Lucifer would never let himself be captured like this – that’s embarrassing – but when one’s lord is Diavolo, sometimes compromises have to be made.</p><p>“Coming this deep into Hell would be beneath someone like him. You might think we’re far away, but even down here we know he’s busy spending his nights being ploughed in bed by the demon prince.”</p><p>It’s actually the other way around, Lucifer thinks stiffly, but he bites his tongue and instead vows to obliterate him off the face of Hell at the first opportunity.</p><p>The demon’s laugh bounces around the dungeon, his tail thumping heavily on the ground. The others snigger in the shadows as he begins patting Lucifer down, grubby hands leaving behind a trail of dirt as he forages around in the coat’s large pockets. Grimy claws pull out a pen, a small remote for Diavolo’s butt plug and some spare Grimm.</p><p>“C’mon, we’ll just take what you’ve got. Then you can run back to wherever you came from, sound like a – oh, what’s this?”</p><p>“Do not touch that,” Lucifer says venomously, watching the demon fish out his DDD from the other pocket and gawk at the lock screen.</p><p>“…Ugh, revolting. My <em>eyes</em>.”</p><p>(“Hey, Lucifer, look at this picture of me. Cool, right? I’m putting it on your phone.”)</p><p>“Return that to me immediately,” Lucifer spits at him, but the demon’s already walking away, scrolling through his list of contacts.</p><p>It’s only when his ears pick up the idiot voice on the other end of the line that he wants to groan and obliterate himself from existence too.</p><p>“Are you Diavolo?” he hears the demon ask.</p><p>“That’s <em>Lord </em>Diavolo to you,” Lucifer automatically says, and when the other demons narrow their eyes at him, that’s it, his cover’s blown, time to leave like he’s Mammon in debt.</p><p>One of them boos him, saliva dripping from rows of fangs. “Traitor! Liar!” it hisses, lunging for him. Another demon follows suit and then the rest of the horde is riled up, frothing at their mouths and shoving at each other in the rising stampede.</p><p>The ropes barely deter him when Lucifer rips his arms free, kicking the chair straight into the closest demon’s face as he jumps to his feet. The others he throws through the walls and ceiling, onto the ground and into each other, paving a path of destruction as he starts wading his way through the sea of bodies.  </p><p>He clears out the masses of demons that keep getting in his way, all while absolutely dreading having to put up with the aftermath of one (1) phone conversation. </p><p>“Lucifer’s escaping,” the last remaining demon points out in a petrified voice, and Lucifer annihilates her too for the pure unhelpfulness of her comment.</p><p>He seizes the boss by the scruff of his neck and tosses him into a corner. The DDD clatters on the ground as the demon scuttles backwards in a tangle of tail and limbs.</p><p>Lucifer glowers at him, his lips turning up in contempt and eyes glowing in the colour of hot coals. Fire begins to dance in circles around them.</p><p>“I could prove to you that I am the real Lucifer,” he says disdainfully, “but it makes no difference now, does it?”</p><p>“But why would the real Lucifer say Diavolo sucks?” the demon blurts out, bug-eyed with terror.</p><p>Imagine those being one’s last words before their imminent death.</p><p>Lucifer just sighs and snaps his fingers, incinerating him with an explosion of hellfire. “Because he does,” he replies matter-of-factly, as if it’s really that simple. It is.</p><p>Fools<em>. </em>What else do they think Diavolo does every night, if not <em>suck</em>?</p><p>Lucifer brushes the settling dust off his waistcoat as he searches for his DDD, finally spotting it lying under the remains of a wall that had caved in during the skirmish. He plucks it out of the rubble and places it at his ear to listen in on the call that’s still active.</p><p>“Worth more than all the pictures of him sleeping that I have stored–”</p><p>His temper short-circuits at the words <em>pictures </em>and <em>sleeping </em>being used in the same sentence.</p><p> “Stored where?” he asks coolly, and all he hears is a panicked yelp before the line suddenly cuts off.</p><p>Lucifer morphs into his demon form and stomps past what’s left of the dungeon door, wings already stretched for flight. He flexes the fingers of his left hand and finds his palm still stings slightly, a tiny reminder of the spanking he’d delivered the previous night.  </p><p>Well, there’s always his right hand.  If Diavolo knows what’s coming for him he’ll be on the bed, ass up, by the time Lucifer gets home.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
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